The Christian walk is not a walk in the park
This week has been tough. I'm not going to dress it up and make it look pretty. I've been dealing with some hard stuff. I've had to hear God tell me things that I didn't want to hear and I've had to accept things that I didn't want to accept. I've had to listen and accept because I know it's for my own good.
I've learnt in three years that trying to argue with God is pointless. I've learnt that trying to totally understand God and everything he does, is a waste of time. I've learnt that sometimes God will just say "Move Ann" and I don't have time to question Him or ask Him to explain before I obey.
This week I've cried my eyes out like a child and told God that I don't like Him. I've told Him that I find it boring being a young Christian, that He wants too much from me, that no matter how much I try I still find it hard to trust Him. I even told Him that I'm fed up of waiting for Him to deliver the desires of my heart.
Then the tantrum was over and I sat in my sofa silently.
A vision of my life exactly three years ago lit up in my mind. I was tired of life. I was lonely. I hated myself. I was fed up with putting on a brave smile for the outside world. I was living in hell. I thought of admitting myself to Maudsley mental hospital. I chose to try and kill myself instead....but God wasn't having any of it and He woke me up the following morning.
I cried as I remembered where God had rescued me from. I realised that however tough my walk with God gets, it is nothing compared to the living hell I experienced three years ago. People may still reject me. I may still be afraid to step out in to the unknown. I may still mess up and do wrong things. But I know that God has called me and will equip me with all that I need, in order to fulfill whatever He wants to do in my life and that alone is the hope that keeps me going through the tears, through the pain, through the loss and through the fear. I have hope.
I share this experience I had with God this week to demonstrate the realities of the Christian walk. It isn't a walk through a sweet-smelling rose field, it can be tough. For those on the outside looking in, you might see people you label as hypocrites and people you judge by their unGodly actions, but understand that there's an internal battle taking place that only those willing to walk the walk will ever understand. It takes courage to be blessed. It takes strength to admit that you don't know it all. It takes humility to accept that God knows what is and isn't right for you.
To those who have taken hold of Jesus' hand and are walking with Him, keep going and don't give up. There've been numerous times when I've felt like giving up and told God to find someone else to do what He wants me to do, but I've learned that once you've experienced God's love, there's no going back. I strongly believe that what's ahead is far better than what was behind.
My tantrum may have resulted with just a tear stained face and warm cheeks and some may say "How could you talk to the Almighty God like that?", but I understand that being truthful and honest with God is what prayer is all about. Forget the fancy words and prim and proper approach - let's just be real and tell God the truth without the fluff, that's what He's waiting for; people who'll come to him with the truth. If you're tired, if you're stressed, if you're confused, anxious or fed up, it might be because you're trying to manage a life that only God can manage and He's just waiting for you to tell Him the truth.